I blog my kids' birthdays. Every year. However, this September, when Lindsay turned 21, I didn't blog about it. There were a number of reasons. First - she's an adult now and there are privacy issues when your child is grown and the decisions about what is shared are exclusively hers. Second, I barely blogged at all in September. It just wasn't on my radar - not for her birthday or for our 10th anniversary. Both big deals. Both not really blogged. Third, I wasn't able to be there for her birthday, and I was in a major funk about it. It was so much harder than I thought it would be to not be with my girl on her birthday. I didn't tell her at the time, because it was her day and she should be having fun, but I was so very sad. I missed her so much. I'm pretending it's not really her birthday until she's here in December (in 37 days to be precise).
Frankly, it's so much harder than I thought it would be to be this far away from her. I don't know her schedule - when is a good time to call or not. What she's up to. Who her friends are now that she transferred schools. And I'm so wrapped up in the day to day of the little people here that it's tough to find the right times to connect. I think of it when she's in class. By the time she's available, I have crashed out. I end up feeling like a pretty crappy mother. I know I'm not one, but navigating the boundaries of the adult child is pretty mysterious to me. I'm sure it will be clearer as she gets older (and once I convince her to move here after graduation. Ahem). But I'm going to mess it up. Since she's the oldest, she has borne the brunt of my screw ups and will probably continue to do so. But she's also my first love. My first baby. I hope she continues to forgive me as I bumble through figuring out the path between being that mom who hovers too much and the one who isn't there enough (clearly I went too far in that direction this time). See, apparently she knows that I blog birthdays (who knew she even read this thing?) and she wanted to know why I hadn't blogged hers. Because I screwed up and I should have asked her if it was okay and just done it.
So here's my girl. My beautiful, practical, smart, funny, list-making, kind of bossy, loyal, accomplished, amazing girl.
A photo that I didn't get to take, but I'll take many when she's here in December. I can't wait until she's here. I miss her so very much. I would try to keep her here, but she has only one semester left of college. I'll let her go back to finish and graduate and then make her move back. I'm a better person with her around. Plus, her siblings need her to keep them whipped into shape. She's much stricter than I am (which cracks me up to no end, given all the past declarations about how she's going to be a nice mom and let her kids do what they want, not a mean mom like me) and they will flourish with her advice about how to get what they want from me. Also, then they'll have somewhere to run away to.
Here she is when she was a little person. I think she looks a lot like another little person around here.
(she still eats ice cream like that. don't tell anyone)
her 2nd birthday - I had to show you her hair and her favorite shorts
With my grandma and my cousin, who is two years younger than her. I want to eat her in this picture.
My favorite photo of us. She was 3. I was 24. We were both babies.
I love you, Lindsay, and I'm more proud to be your mama than you will ever know. At least until you have babies of your own.
p.s. I'm really looking forward to your next visit since I can send you to the store for the wine. There are pluses to you growing up and that is one of them. xoxo